1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

If only this were a Cha-Cha.  Or a Rhumba.  Or, I dunno, some kind of dance I could eventually get the hang of and get into, laughing and breathless as my body flies around my partner, each of us having a wonderful time and feeling vibrant and letting the music guide us, or allow us to improvise….


It’s been sort of a “slap in the face day”.  Orthopedist is telling me that there is nothing we can do, except a knee replacement.  That is not happening, not now, not 10 years from now.  There’s nothing she feels she can do to help my tendons and ligaments, except encourage me to lose weight.  Which is a fair call – I know my weight is a severe health hazard, and losing any of this bulk will help take the pressure off that knee cap.  She recommended a weight loss doctor, the one she is seeing…  I’m just *sigh* frustrated.  I gave up soda for months – no change.  I ditch breads, and most starches.  Nothing.  So now…  I guess I make a call, but my money is on insurance not covering it.


Also, fun factoid; now that it’s down to just my Medicare, the MRI will cost us over $175 for this knee thing, just to make sure there are no stress fractures or the like.  This does not, in any way, please me.  We just shelled out $47 for migraine medications that work for 4 hours out of 24 – but still cheaper than the $500+ that were originally prescribed.  Which was considerably cheaper than the “recently FDA approved shots”…  This nonsense of only one health plan, and only me being covered needs to end.  Like, now, NOW.


My hemoglobin remains too low to donate blood.  I get e-mails all the damned time telling me how vitally important it is to donate – and I agree, 100%!  I want to donate; and my body is just not co-operating with me.  Some of it is probably the low thyroid, but this is just antagonizing me.  There’s got to be a work around.  I’ve eaten enough red meat and iron based foods to keep a ship afloat, with the clear exception of liver, because  euwww! and still – no ability to help in the most basic of all methods.  Heck, all I’d have to do is sit still for 15 minutes or so, but nooo…..


Yes, I’m petulant right now.  I’m hot and miserable, even indoors, because I’ve  been trying to get so much done.  I’ve had three doctor’s visits this week, and I am sick to my teeth of driving.  It’s hitting that magical temp of 100 F, which seems to make everyone drive like a drunken orangutan who just found out what fifth gear is for.  Why not cruise over from the far left to the far right lanes, crossing four or more lanes in, oh, 8 seconds, never mind the blinker.  Surely everyone else is playing to your needs while driving.  Pick up trucks are the worst, and do you know how many blasted pick ups there are in Texas?


There’s heartache in here as well.  Bestie and her daughter, are for some reason I cannot fathom, no longer under a Protective Order.  This means they have ZERO legal grounds to call the cops if this incestuous pedophile saggy ball of slime starts to harass them again.  Seriously???  WTF?  They handed over the hard drive where he took pictures of underage girls, including ones he molested, and he gets off with no consequences?  I…  I just want to hit something right now, very hard, and very fast, with something heavy – and I freaking can’t because if I did I would tip over, ass over teakettle.


Maybe some of this comes as a comeuppance from speaking candidly on Facebook about what happened in April.  The Fates slapping me down for being a wee bit too “Well, it’s ALL sorted out now” kind of a thing.  You know how they are, always looking to stir the pot.  For whatever reason, be it supernatural, or jerkwad brain, I’m not hitting the coping skills as well as I’d like today.  This can trigger a chain reaction of anxiety and depression that leads to uncomfy rooms, and locked doors.  I don’t want to go back down that walkway, thank you very much.  The response on the book of faces has been, overall, favorable – although I find it interesting that only women have commented, and just 2 men have given an emoticon response.  But I’ve gotten good feedback, and that’s something to remember.


Intellectually, this is a bump in the road.  A couple of rough days, and the knowledge that our roomie will soon be gone, and we’ll have to be very careful financially.  This is survivable, and we’re going to get through it.  Emotionally – Monty Python.


Maybe I should pull out those DVDs and laugh.  Or go on a marathon viewing of something funny (though, please, by all that’s Holy, without a laugh track).  Try to fire up the happy brain cells and chemicals, and not just the sulky and grumpy ones.  I can remember that I didn’t break my new sandals, I just pulled the strap all the way off the buckle.  A minute’s work to fix.  I have 2 snoozing cats next to me, doing their best to lull me into a nap with their super sneaky sleep rays.  I have a stack of at least 5 books to read, that are new to me.  I fixed the baker’s rack so I can use it as a bookshelf, and it will be a lurid purple spray paint job.


I have to slow my breathing, and focus on the good things.  They do exist.  I got the fun of seeing the Crepe Myrtle flowers float off the car as I drove my husband to work this morning.  I (naughtily) had a bagel with salmon schmear.  I can sleep in, at least half of next week.  My husband will get birthday presents and a cheesecake, and be a very happy man.


And maybe one day, in the not too distant future, the dance steps will change, and we’ll whirl around a room laughing like giddy teens.



2 thoughts on “1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

  1. Oh… have you ever tried fasting…? I mean for a long while, but I do not mean strict fasting; just substituting each meal for some glasses of a nutritive drink (oat drink, wheat or rice drinks). If you are able to stay at home most of the day, it could be achieved.
    I did it for two weeks, years ago, an sometimes I had to lay on the bed and sleep – I felt tired and I didn’t want to come out of home, but I lost some weight… yes. (In fact I did not do that for getting slimmer… just as a yoga practice I wanted to experience.)
    I have had friends who lost 1/4 of their weight quite soon due to some unhealthy anorexia, drinking coconut water and nothing else, 😦 but if you could simulate some anorexical state and reject to eat anything solid (no bread, no … anything; just liters of cereal juice and maybe some fresh fruit) for some weeks or months, your life would absolutely change (your knee included).
    I can assure from personal experience that hunger only presses three or four days, and then it vanishes at all if you keep on drinking some 3 liters a day.
    Just wanting to help. Please do not hate me if this sounds crazy :/ I did it and it went good (aside of losing some twelve kg on the process.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s probably going to come down to something like that. There has to be a certain amount of food to help absorb the calcium and all – in all honesty, I’m just going to have to look at it harder after I get back from Tennessee. I’m out of brain power.


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