Mean Girls

So, my friend and I were out and about, knocking a few last things off her list, and we went into one of the yummiest burger joints in town.  I love it here – they have amazing sandwiches, great fries, and it’s usually packed to the gills.  But hey, sometimes you gotta risk the madhouse of children and parents to get that perfect burger.  Did I mention the green chile compote?  *eyes roll heavenwards*

 

While we were standing there, trying to decide which of the local line ups, a “Yummy Mummy” – you know the type, always in yoga pants or a variation thereof; slightly messy yet fashionably so ponytail, perfect make up, and the attitude of entitlement.  She had two prepubescent girls with her, and they were very specific in the ordering process, all three of them.  Honestly, it was tiresome being behind them, even though they came in after us.  Silly us for not knowing what we wanted the moment we walked in!

 

We grabbed a table, they grabbed the table behind my friend, but in my line of sight.  There was the whole fol-de-rol about who sat where, the girls wanting to to the photo booth; they were given cash and told to ask for singles to make it work while Mummy perused her phone…  They were bitterly disappointed, but I think Mummy should have gone over to help them work the photo booth.  My friend and I are chatting, I’m half people watching, and our name is called over the loudspeaker.  Friend gets up to get food, and there – I saw it happen.  These little girls started watching her, and whispering behind their hands.

 

Look, we’re both quite used to being mistaken for a couple, neither one of us happens to be a single digit in women’s clothing.  What bothered me about this was not that the little girls we’re talking about us (I assume so, Social Anxiety Demon thought it hilarious when I looked right at them and they stopped) but the fact that these kids who haven’t even reached puberty, were being “Mean Girls”.  And I wondered where that kind of behavioral modeling came from.

 

I will say that from my fourth grade until I survived parts (but not all) of college and Technical School, there were Mean Girls there who made my life hellish.  Not only was I depressed, and/or a “new kid” – I didn’t fit in.  I wasn’t all that interested in much aside from books and drawing.  Sports had no interest for me, most of the boys had no interest for me, classes were… painful.  Either they were too far out of the different teaching methods I’d encountered, or they were fairly far behind what I already knew.  I wanted so much to be liked, to be popular, to be treated with kindness or support.  In time, my own group of “freaks” created our own tribe, but the interim was hell.

 

What really ticked me off about this whole thing is that we call them “Mean Girls”.  We don’t call them what they are.  Bullies.  Oh, they may not shove you into the lockers, and steal your lunch money, but they sure as hell make sure that you know you are beneath them.  Your clothes aren’t good enough – or they may be “too good”.  You’re weird.  You smell.  “I heard that she…  has sex with anyone; bathes once a week; did it with her cousin; never brushes her teeth; cheats on every test; it’s no wonder she doesn’t have any friends, she’s poor; her family is divorced; ewww she has lice; I only like her when I want to swim at her house; she’s adopted; she’s sick…”   In truth, some of these things might be true, but as an adult they’d be considered slander.

 

I’ll be the first to say my depression didn’t help.  I’ll also jump on the bandwagon here, and say I was heavily blessed not to have to deal with cell phones, texts, and e-mails.  When I got home from school, it ended for the day.  Small blessings of living in a much simpler technological time.  I can’t imagine the hell of having camera phones in locker rooms!

 

OK – so where do these girls learn this?  That it’s OK, it’s even commendable to be manipulative, cruel, and push people away?  This kind of “indirect bullying” where rumors are spread, and malicious verbal attacks are utilized account for roughly 18% of reported bullying.  I’m willing to put money down that most parents will say “Oh, that’s just how girls are” just as they say “Oh, boys will be boys” when someone gets a wedgie that is like a kick in the groin.  I’m willing to say – they learn this behavior from their Mummy and Mummy’s friends, and likely Grandmother and so on.

 

This kind of bullying happens everywhere.  I’ve encountered in at work and school, and yes, even things that were supposed to be “fun” – like Girl Scouts.  My daughter has also been the victim of this kind of behavior – causing her to doubt her validity as a person, and cut herself.  This isn’t a cute, or even female only problem; but we need to stop this kind of abusive behavior long before it gets to the school yard.

 

This means more than setting and example about discretion, gossip, and one-up-manship, it means not representing these girls as some kind of positive role model or goal.  The trick on this is, it’s super easy for kids, who already feel that they are without power, to see these power plays as being an “adult” way to handle things.  Kids need to have their self confidence reinforced, to be told that they’re good at trying or doing, and to be encouraged when they don’t get the result they wanted.  Bullying the child does not improve the situation.

 

Should you ever find your child behaving in this manner, speak to them about it.   Be open about how hurtful and wrong it is, and that they are stronger for not participating.  Yes, someone will likely make things unpleasant for them – so don’t call them Mean Girls.  Call them bullies.