Ahhh, the joys of the past week. Midterms, meltdowns, and generalized anxiety have all made me just a bit, mm, saltier than I normally am. Don’t get me wrong – I can cuss up and down like a sailor. There’s just a lot more sarcasm, and a higher pitch to things. What can I say? I’m dying for Autumn, Fall, Winter – anything that doesn’t have me sweating through everything I have on. You can only wash a bra so many times before the elastic gives up.
Wednesday was insane, I saw my Nurse Practitioner about something I’m still kind of concerned about, but will see if the course of treatment helps, I had the dreaded Chemistry Mid-Term, which for these three weeks, determines if I’ll be able to take Biology in the Spring, to hopefully move on to the MLT program next Fall. No pressure there. None at all. *cringe* Saw my therapist. Bought an epic amount of Halloween treats for kids of all abilities and allergies, rear ended a woman while trying to grab my phone off the seat… She and her family were unhurt, their monster SUV had no damage, and all was considered well. I am still flailing myself for even thinking about my phone while driving. I know better. And I know I’m blessed it wasn’t worse. One really long and nasty day.
Today has been a slog. The Hubz is doing his best to get sick, and that’s always fun. I had a panic attack over the fact that the grocery didn’t have the 4″x6″ index cards I like to put “big ideas” for notes on. Yes, it was on overreaction. No, Big Box store wasn’t permanently out, it just bummed me out that when I went in yesterday, the only packet they had was open and missing some cards. I know that I’m having a bad reaction to things, and I don’t like it. There was some rather violent gardening that happened this afternoon – right until allergies won. Pruning shears are therapeutic.
I’m fuming over the glasses that I was given here – I still don’t think the lenses are right, but since I didn’t pay for them…. What are my options? Contact my caseworker I suppose. I purchased a pair of readers/computer glasses from an online place – I’m not sure what’s wrong with them but they aren’t worth what I paid. Damnit. I’m in this terrible head space where I can hear a number of people say “Aside from that, how did you enjoy the play, Mrs Lincoln?”
I’m never sure how to respond to that kind of snark. It feels dismissive and belittling – and it’s not all that funny. I mean, for the love of heaven, you wouldn’t ask anyone at these horrific mass shootings if they enjoyed the music or the what have you. No – that’s someone being a totally rude git. I get it, I’m boring you with my complaints – so say so, nicely. Not “You seem awfully negative today” or “God, you’d bitch if you were hung with a new rope” but maybe try “See anything cool today?” In short, redirect.
Here’s the good bits – it turns out that not only do we have the yums to make some terrific pumpkin bread, we also have a baking mix for pancakes? Holy cow – that’s glorious! My sister’s dog was here for two days, and behaved himself fairly well. Sal – the last of the recent litter – now walks into the kitchen, tail held high, and is waiting for food. If we can get her over that 2 lb mark, we’re golden there. (Also hilarious to see her Mum grab her by the scruff of the neck and drag her sideways out the door “Ooh, ow! Mum, Gerroff!” was the vibe.) I saw a Monarch Butterfly soar over the grocery. I have a real, hardcover copy of the latest Caitlin Doughty book – just in time for Halloween. I need to redirect myself from the things that are freaking me out, and breathe.
So, I had a great call with my cousin last night, who bless her, was willing to talk even though the munchkins wanted dinner and that bug out of the house. I’m pretty sure the dogs heard ever nuance of that latter bit. We talked about lab results, and how they impact nursing, and what can be done in her hospital to make things better. We spoke of family, of people we love, and how difficult it is to know how to talk to someone you know is struggling. We talked about the incredible joy of the 39th week of pregnancy, and how you miss your feet. It was a very good call.
That’s where I need to be putting my head – into the good things, the amazing and lovely and joyous things, and not getting my own head dragging me into the muck. I do that – I know I get resentful over food, and quiet, and things that I see as inequalities. I get even more disoriented when I come across something in a class that not only is fully foreign to me, but it’s not even something I feel I can find a place to start on – and yes, the irony of it is, I am constantly telling people to find their “little bites” of a math problem, or the chemistry lab, or whatever. I can say it to others, but can’t apply it to myself. Drives me bonkers when I realize that’s what I’ve done.
I don’t know what’s next. Waiting until Monday (at best) or Wednesday for the results of my Chemistry Exam is wearing on me. So much hangs on this one thing, this thing that I feel like I’m finally getting a handle on. But I won’t know until I see that test, go over it, and see where I didn’t get things right. Maybe I did superbly well. Hopefully? We shall see.
I hate feeling out of control.