Twisting In the Wind

It’s been a bit since I checked in with you lovely folks – I’m behind on everything right now.  Still have presents to make, to ship, to sort out.  Still have cards to write (yes, I’ve been told that’s quaint, LOL).  Still have a lot of cleaning and sorting to do.  So, naturally, I’m hiding from it all.


In approximately 24 hours I meet the child I gave up for adoption and his family.  Yeah, there’s a lot of hope – will this be a good relationship that I seem to be lacking with the kids I didn’t raise so well?  Will he like me?  Will I like him?  How will we entertain ourselves?  What will we talk about?  What if I accidentally send one of his kids into anaphylactic shock?  How much am I supposed to remember about my life 36 years ago?


There’s this level of facing up to what happened all those years ago, and an understanding of what led me to becoming pregnant at 16.  I still maintain that I don’t regret it, and giving this wonderful and stable family this amazing person was the right and proper choice.  I’m not how to fully cope with all the emotions that are playing out.  I can see now, far more clearly than I like to admit, why I made the choices I did.  That’s something that only I can own.  At the same time, I can see other things on the playing field – and there’s still that lonely, and unloved feeling teen within, who honestly wants to believe the lines that are being fed to her.  It’s like looking at an Ikea assembly instruction – the parts are there, you know what the end result is – it’s just figuring out all the little bits between.


To say terror and elation are running neck and neck in my mind would be a very mild way of putting things.  I just don’t have the words to express all the chaos that is going on – and it’s rough.  It’s hard to communicate what you can’t pin down.  Some of the words are nebulous, and others are like a diesel train coming right at me.  I’m very anxious, and I know there’s going to be a lot of emotion to process in a very short time.  I’m blanking out on getting things done, making dinner, doing much aside from trying to make sense of it while watching, well, whatever it is I’m watching.  I was watching something, right?


There are new (to me) grandkids to get to know.  To give gifts to, and to let them know that in this very unconventional situation, they’ve got some more people who care about them.  It’s so damned surreal.  I’m counting on them to keep things from becoming too awkward, which, as children, I know they’ll be good at.  The odd strange question, the dropped plate of food, the cry of “I’m booooored!” are all things to be expected.  There’s something to be said for utilizing offspring this way.  Oh, I hope that doesn’t sound wrong.


After they head back home, I get to meet up with my ladies, and head off to an Airbnb couple of days of quiet and calm.  Low key is well past due at this time.  I’ve been trying to juggle my schedule for Spring semester so I have minimal walking and maximum potential for classes being paid for, all while satisfying 3 differing groups – Student Loans, Workforce Commission and a small bequest from a Trust.  Let me assure you, what I want to be doing and what is actually available are two very different topics these days.  It’s why this “Girls’ Weekend” is so critical for getting some balance back into my world.


It’s my deep and true belief that sometimes you need to take a break and spend it with your heart family.  You know, the people who understand the weird and wonderful bits that are unique to you, the ones who understand that some days are better spent in pajamas and reading a book and drinking endless cups of something warm.  For me, it’s the sisters that I’ve been blessed with, without the scars of shared childhood trauma.  Women I can hang out with, be in the same room with, but not necessarily be interacting with.  There’s a soothing quality to that kind of relationship that is going to help me recover from the past few weeks and the next few days.  My brother and I had a conversation about how important it is to take some time off that is refreshing your spirit.  That was an unexpectedly good conversation.


There’s been a lot of tears of late, and there will be a lot more over the next few days.  It’s logical, considering how much emotional work is going on.  There’s still the tragic issue going on with my Aunt (whom I would appreciate any thoughts, prayers, or love sent her way – the Universe knows where to direct it).  There were grades posted – a solid overall B average, because you know I flop failed Chemistry.  Aced the lab, flunked the lecture.  But hey, *shrug*, this gives me more time to try and fill in some other blanks, right?  Coming to a point where I can say that I’m not “stupid” or “weak” because of one poor grade is still new.  I freaking managed A’s in every other class!  Not bad for a 52 year old returning student with anxiety.  Still working around that abusive programming, though.  Going to try and work with another therapist to help deal with some of the PTSD demons with a specific therapy.


It seems ironic that over the Winter Break I feel the most taxed and tired.  At the same time, there’s been a good shift in allowing myself to rest, and not try and overachieve in every single arena.  No gingerbread house.  Only one kind of cookie made.  So far only one type of nuts candied.  I asked my husband to do the decorating, so that I didn’t have to climb a ladder.  (With 6 cats in the house, the tree has to be waaaaaay out of reach!)


This page will likely be like me over the next few days -either manic with wild postings as I try to evaluate and process everything, or very very quiet as I take it in.  Either way, I hope you all have had a marvelous Holiday of your choice, and have a Safe and Blessed new Year.







3 thoughts on “Twisting In the Wind

  1. Hii,
    i wish you the very best for this meeting with your ‘lost’ boy ! and of course, a lovely new year for you all: cats and dog and grandsons and husband and sister and brother and everybody near you !
    (And congratulations for all these A’s :))
    A long huuuuuuuuug !!

    Liked by 2 people

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