Still Processing

It’s been a bit since I last checked in – there’s a lot of work going on in dealing with school, emotional issues, making healthy decisions (err, I might be eating my emotions) and general “Are you seriously telling me this?”  I’ve been staying up far too late playing mindless games on my tablet, and feeling disassociated from many things – except  rage.  Pure, unadulterated fury, anger, bubbling hate, frustration and sorrow and pain.  I’m not a lot of fun to be around.  But rather than bore you with allllll the details, I’m going to hit some of the moments that were either epic wins, or epic fails.

For what it’s worth, my psychiatrist upped one of my meds.  I don’t know if this is the source of increased anxiety and panic attacks or if the naughty thyroid is to blame, but the heart pounding shakes and distress can take a one way trip elsewhere.  Being a grown up, I’m going to have to contact both doctors and see what they would like to have happen.  Cash is on getting blood drawn.

Classes are ALL “distance learning” because – *drum roll, please* there will be a new knee implanted March 20.  I’ve looked at what I can without passing out or vomiting, so that might be a contributing factor to the whole anxiety thing.  There are some things that haven’t been answered as yet – like why I have to use their walker?  It doesn’t look like it folds, which is going to make getting to PT and such a nightmare, and quite bluntly – how the hell am I supposed to get my coffee if both hands are holding onto this thing?  On the other hand *giggles* I have purchased streamers for the handles.  No reason to be a misery, right?

Ah, the classes.  Been running in circles with Texas Workforce Commission over what they will cover, why they insist on my applying for and accepting Student Aid if they don’t want me to graduate in debt, and who is paying for the books?  *head/desk*  Literally, up to 10 emails a day from them, talking nonsense.  Evidently they don’t talk amongst themselves, and then there’s this whole other elephant in the room of why my Student Aid money was utilized by the school on day 1 and not day 30 as is the normal case? Can you see why my head is spinning?

When I called my Uncle to thank him for looking out for my son, and making sure that he was adopted into a good family, my cousin answered.  This woman I have not talked to in almost 2 decades.  She’s toxic, cruel, abusive, selfish and about as broken as anyone can get.  I’m not saying this to be ugly, but I’m not sugar coating it either.  She seemed to think it would be amusing to call me a “Bitch” – and I calmly responded with “I don’t talk to people who talk that way to me.”  She hung up.  I felt pretty good about not taking her bait – and then the rage from all the mind games and ugliness she threw at me started to bubble over.  I know I should feel bad for her, she has a very emotionally ill mother, she’s broken and damaged in ways I can’t understand – but I’m so damned sick of being a target for her nastiness.  I’m also fed up with “Hey, seeing Dr Jones has helped Liz, maybe this will help my kid,” guinea pig experiments.  And believe me, if there was anything I tried that seemed to lead to an improvement, within 6 months, this woman was trying it.  The real issue here is that she doesn’t want to get better.  But this anger is keeping me up, and that’s not good.   I don’t know why being called a bitch has me so triggered.

I’ve been looking at various and assorted events associated with the adoption, including returning to “regular” school after his birth.  I didn’t lose my mind fully and try to return to the High School I’d been attending, instead I went to the “alternative” school.  Go at your own pace, half days, etc.  I did a year and a half of work in 13 weeks, I wanted out of there so badly.  But I also heard about how the boy who fathered that child had been bragging to the school about how he had impregnated me and was the father of a son.  I lied to people about why I’d been out of school, made up something about my stomach that in retrospect made little sense.  Still, just the sense of violation that the hell I’d been through was bragging rights for him, has my stomach churning and my RBF on more than I like.  It’s also interesting that one of my boyfriends from work when I was in my 30s would talk about our intimate moments to people I knew, and when I found out about it, years later, my response was “Meh.  What a jerk.”  So why is this betrayal so much more painful?  First long term boyfriend, or just not processing the pain at the time?

Yes, I am definitely eating my way through some things.  Bagels for one.  Entire bags of salad for another – which leads to an entertaining evening.  Not in a pleasant way.  I’m pounding down water like it’s going to reverse the junk I’ve devoured.  I ate my way through two Chinese food deliveries intended for at least two people each in a very short time.  I wasn’t going heavy on the veggies, either.  It was all the appetizers and things that are really, and totally, not that healthy.  I’m not sure why I’m feeling the need for comfort so much, comfort foods in particular, but there it is.  I’ve pulled out the down duvet, and wrap myself in it at night – and I feel like I’m about one disaster away from picking up thumb sucking again.

Someone I’ve loved since – oh gee – I was 13? and I are somewhat reconnected.  I’m so happy for him that his wife is his “everything”.  Not so happy that she broke her leg, so I sent flowers.  This seems to have been a very huge deal, and I’m perplexed.  Is this not the kind of thing you do?  I understand I haven’t met her, but by simple association and how much he adores her, I’ve got a wee girl crush.  I trust that he’s found his place with her, so yeah, she’s on my list of people I love.  Maybe that’s weird?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m putting something on her that she doesn’t want.  It’s hard to tell.

In the meantime, I await my Ethics book – and every bloody time I read one of the arguments I hear “Bruce, the Philosopher’s Song” by Monty Python.  Every.  Single.  Time.  I think Socrates – at least from the reading ordained, is an ass, and Kant is a withered and dried up bore.  Rachel isn’t much better.  I’m not really liking the format for this class, but there it is.  I’m also taking Parasitology, because yay – let’s identify scary bugs inside bodies.  Oh, and the remedial Biology class that I’ve signed up for starts three days after my surgery,  But if I’m going to get any help from my family, I have to take 8 hours, and that’s only because of the knee.  Otherwise it would be 12.

Ah – and I’ve gotten myself all squared away to visit Bestie.  I’m not planning on seeing my Mum on this trip.  Reason number one is that she will pout and be annoyed that she isn’t the sole focus of my time and energy.  Reason number two is I don’t think I can stand to see how she’s living.  I’m afraid that if I see it, it will keep me there to oversee the inevitable call to senior services and the move to some kind of a home.  I know it’s bad – I don’t want that to be my memory of her.  Reason number three – and maybe the most practical, is I don’t want to do more physical harm to myself trying to clean up in her home.  I’ve done the hands and knees scrubbing with multiple products in the past – and things have only gotten worse.  The last thing I need at this point in my life is to expose myself to that kind of filth, and have it screw up my surgery.

There you have it.  I’ve got Ethics sitting in front of me, calling for more reading, a shower to enjoy, and a lot more thinking to do.  Oh, and Frozen 2 – because sometimes you just need to go to the movies and escape for a few.

 

7 thoughts on “Still Processing

  1. My goodness! So much going on!!! It’s incredible all the juggling and navigating and persisting you are doing for yourself. Inspirational. But yes, be kind and let yourself process and heal. Bagels and salad? Interesting combination.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Today I’m fighting with insurance companies and not getting as much class work done as intended. I gotta say. the delivery of ANY food I haven’t made is looking like bliss! But yeah – bagel = carbs which flips on the serotonin. The salad just tasted really good and hit all the crunch aspects.

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  2. My counselor taught me the word “flooded”. It sounds like you’ve been flooded but also sounds like you are dealing with it all in a healthy way (well, maybe not the bagels) but I have no room to speak on that topic. My German mother taught us that if we were sad, food would make us feel better. If we were happy we should eat something delicious to celebrate and if we just didn’t know how we felt, we should take a time out, have a snack and figure it out. I’ve been flooded for the last 15 months, one darn thing after another. I think part of the battle is self-awareness and it sounds like you’ve got that in spades. Hoping for blessings, joy and fun for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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