Sweetie…

Oh the narcissist, in all their glory!  The way they manipulate, and plot!  Their complete and utter inability and disinterest in ever seeing something from another’s point of view.  It’s game on all the time, the scorecard is always being kept, and may the odds be ever in your favor if you’ve forgotten that.

Call them on their bullshit, and they get more demanding.

Stay calm and don’t engage emotionally, and they become sweet and caring – for the moment.  Remember, this will go on your permanent record.

Talk to others about how difficult it is to be around them, only to find out that you’re not believed, or – “S/He said you’ve been reacting oddly…”  Or, “I’ve known them for years, and never seen that!  They must have been joking.”

The more time you spend around them, the more removed you get from your own very valid feelings.  They don’t matter unless they serve the narcissist in some way.

They tend to convene in clutches – feeding off the same person, even enjoying stirring up drama between themselves to add to the victim’s confusion.

Anything and everything is about them.  Always.  People who have never heard of the narcissist “are jealous of them”.  They are the only person who knows how to fix something, and if you don’t agree, then you’re an idiot.

Some of this may be said in softer words – condescending is the middle name of the narc.  Which takes me to…

Eddie and Pats – the most amusing narcs of all time.

Now, I understand this may seem convoluted – but these characters from ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ serve two very good talking points; narcissism in the victim, and perspective.

How so? This takes us back to the smothering nature of your average narc – an incredible sponge of self promotion, self glory, the constant need for assurance, attention and  drama. The incredible lengths they will go to in order to isolate you from anyone that might crack that shell, and how they have to have this going on, all the time.  It sounds utterly exhausting, but the diabolical part is how that need gets pushed off onto their prey.

So, in the case of someone deciding that they’re done being fodder for the narc; almost without fail – they will be accused of being selfish.  “Oh, I see how it is!  Your needs are important?  Well, what about mine?  You’re always so selfish!”  At this point the scorecard will come up; with the time they did that thing that someone else handles every day, the incredible difficulty of said item, and how no one appreciated their effort.  Guilt.  Slathered on like buttercream frosting.  Other guilt tactics may include:

You never appreciated the work I do;

So and so is jealous of me – they’re just trying to break us up;

Well, I’ll die soon, and you can do what you want;

You stole my life from me;

Everyone else is capable of ______ (usually 3 impossible things)

All you do is drag me down; and

If only you were smart enough to understand…

Fun times, right?  Especially coming from someone you love.  Who says they “love” you.  Because it’s all based on where their needs are, their own indecipherable strategy for being whatever it is that they are not.  The more obnoxious they are, the more you have forced it upon them.  If only you could…..  Fly to the moon on a soap bubble.  Fulfill their dream of being an acrobat.  Love them enough to fill their voids.

So, let’s say, you start *gasp* putting your needs first.  It feels strange.  Nice, but definitely unusual.  That thought starts to creep in… “Am I a narc?  Because that is all I know, and Holy Smite…  I don’t want to become THAT!”  Which can lead you back into being a meek little mouseling, as it feels safe, and you get momentary approval for recognizing your “error”.

 

Sweetie…  Darling…  Unless you are actively behaving as Patsy and Edwina, odds are superlatively  against you crossing that threshold.  Are you being incredibly rude to people – everywhere, all the time?  Have you truly lost all respect for everyone but yourself?  Do you just plow through everything, with an incredible amount of entitlement?  Of course not!  Self care is slightly narcissistic.  Healthily so.  You must and can have a healthy sense of self without crossing over to the dark side.

So this is what perspective looks like – being able to identify a healthy need or response in yourself or others, and acting appropriately.  Oddly enough, the more you become comfortable with this, the sillier the narcissists look.  It’s why I adore AbFab – it’s like looking at all the childish and manipulative behaviors I’ve encountered and being able to laugh at them.  It’s recognizing that half the movies I grew up with featured a manipulative self centered oaf that put their antics into the perspective I need to call bullshit when I see it.  (Seriously… ‘Vacation’?  ‘The Princess Bride’)

While I’m still slow to pick on on being manipulated, I’m a lot better at identifying that I feel uncomfortable, and being able to drill down to why that feeling exists.  I have the tools to look at someone’s choices, and elect not to buy into whatever they’re selling.  It’s honoring myself, my intuition, and my own feelings.  Soooo, Sweetie… Darling…  I may be a bit narcissistic, but I’m aiming for healthily so.