I’m still here

“I’m still here” – some days that’s about all I can take credit for.  For not snapping at the fools racing up and down our street, or better yet, getting a paintball gun and shooting at them.  For not screaming at people blasting loud music.  For going to pick up my prescription, wearing something claustrophobic on my face – and not telling off people who are walking around without masks just how incredibly selfish they are.  I’m “seeing” my therapist, my psychiatrist, and even picking up a third resource in the form of something that will probably data mine the hell out of me.  Today I don’t care – I need that bonus support.

School – isn’t going to well, to be honest.  I’m having a really bad time with eyestrain, and for a while my printer was being spastic.  I prefer to print my information so I can make notes and highlight it – to say nothing of not sitting in front of a computer in a chair that is progressively uncomfortable.  This may be due to the weight gained, or the medications I’ve been using to sleep.  It’s either 4 hours or 12 – not a lot of middle ground.  It makes it a lot harder to focus on the close reading required for this Ethics class, and it’s definitely left me in tears that my Biology Fundamentals are all Chemistry and Math.  I feel outclassed at every turn, and I’m just so tired of this.

Even though I’m tired, and worn, I’m more afraid of what’s going to happen soon.  Our Governor is a toadying fool who wants to “open up the State” to please the President.  Hmmm… Let’s see, this comes on a day or two after we had 127 new cases of this wretched disease in this county?  I’m not sold on this plan, and I think this is going to bite people – HARD.  If anything, I’m more concerned about this mess now than I was at the beginning – and I don’t even want to think about a second spike and so on.  I don’t get it.  What is the point of having a “strong economy” if there aren’t any people around to utilize or create and benefit from it?

I love my husband – he’s a sweet and thoughtful man.  He’s doing his best to maintain a sense of normalcy in a time where we’re both being stressed in areas we didn’t even know could be stressed.  However, and I say this honestly, I miss being able to take a shower with the door open.  I know I still could, he’s certainly seen me in the nude.  I just want that feeling of freedom, and maybe even rebellion?  Having the house to myself?  Feeling less constrained – although ironically enough – I do have more access to the car now.

I watch the mama raccoon who comes to beg for food, and wonder at her paws and how soft and flexible the pads on her “hands” are.  I talk to the cats outside, and tell them how good they are and that they are brave little ones.  I snuggle inside with my fur beasts, and tell them how thankful I am that they chose us to live with.  I take my medications.  I communicate with my care team.  I drink water, and try to eat better than is my usual pattern.  It’s not working.  I still feel like I’m trapped between two mattresses – disconnected yet claustrophobic at the same time.  That worries me, because if I remember correctly, that’s what being catatonic feels like.

I’m not trying to bring anyone down.  That is absolutely not my end game.  I don’t actually think I have an end game at this time.  Make it through?  Find a happy place in my mind and stay there?  Get through school?  It just feels like a lot of things, outlets, plans are closed off from where we all are.  From what I’ve read, and been told, this Trauma Response is normal.  And everyone processes it differently.  Some shut down, and live off Amazon – (I have a small issue with Jeff Bezos getting billions richer at this time, and not treating his employees with care.  He’s not exactly dumping cash into the slush fund to help get PPE to our First Responders and health care professionals.  Doesn’t make me really want to utilize his business.)  Now, Jack Dorsey who reputedly coughed up 1/3 his personal income to help – well, I have no idea how he makes money on Twitter, but he threw a billion into the effort, with potentially more to get to that 1/3 level.  That’s amazing.  That’s making an effort.

So what to do?  Literally go shove myself in the shower and see if hot running water does something for the knots in my neck and shoulders.  Maybe plot and plan to make overnight cinnamon rolls for tomorrow.  Maybe not.  Keep thinking about kinds of food have what kind of a shelf life so if, heaven forbid, we actually DO need to self quarantine, we can with minimal help from friends or family.  Accept that it’s OK to be tired, scared, worn down, seeking distraction, and wanting to go sit in a park, but not acting on that.  I have a backyard, I can sit there.  Plus, I know where the nearest clean bathroom is in that scenario.  Always a consideration when one is going outside.

Guys, I’m not saying you absolutely MUST stay in the house until your city/county/state/country hasn’t had any new cases in two weeks.  I’m saying if you are going out, be respectful when it comes to face covering and  social distancing.  Try to keep it to a minimum.  We’re not done with this yet, and if you think otherwise, or that your “rights” are being trampled, you clearly have bypassed the point of these guidelines.  They’re not about your rights, but the rights of everyone around you not be infected by you.

Y’all stay safe.  I know, we’re all fighting this, and crawling the walls.  We’ve got to stick to the plan provided by the people who don’t want to see you in their hospital.  Suit up.  Be considerate.  Be patient.  If I can do this, so can you.

14 thoughts on “I’m still here

    1. Don’t we just? I keep looking at out numbers and thinking “How in the HELL can anyone see opening up businesses as a good thing? I appreciate there are people out there who desperately need to be working and bringing in an income. I know there are families that are going hungry, and the usual resources are often closed. I think we’re creative enough to find solutions to those issues.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes!! Look how tv broadcasts and concerts etc have evolved. It’s not so bad. It’s actually comforting to see them in their own homes. Some/many are plainly decorated. Not elaborate. More like me. Ha

        Arg. I’m in Tarrant County. Are you in Dallas County? I really like Jenkins.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ruth, I’m over in Travis County – where shockingly enough, most of our cases are between 20 and 39…. Too many kids, not enough common sense.

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  1. Hi anew, Liz ! I’m truly glad you are “still here” (and elsewhere !!) Yet I’m sorry you are unwell in several respects. We all are in trouble these times, somehow. Here we have the very worst death rate in the whole world, thanks to Fascist, Stupid, Hateful, Pathetic, Miserable Spain. It would be too long to explain why, but anyway, I still survive too –with two worn masks, no gloves, no alcohol to disinfect and a decreasing food stock in stores. Be well and safe you all !! HUGS !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello, Sweetie! I was hoping you were weathering this storm, but it sounds like things are really bad there. I wish I had some good news for you, that in the twinkle of an eye this will all be gone etc and so forth. I don’t like to say we’re hoarding things, but we’re trying to have enough extra so that if one of us gets sick, and we’re housebound – we can get by. Sending you hugs, My Dear!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hugs back to you and yours ! We’re all in a big mess and in danger, now and for years, I’m afraid. But this spring is the most splendid I can recall; nature begins to make up 🙂 I had never seen so many birds and all kind of animals around here. (I just envy that they can make their living without money.)

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Indeed – we’ve been blessed with lots of lovely nature, and the sound of birds is FAR preferable to the nasty noise of fools in their cars. However, people need to eat, to pay their rent, and so on – and so sloooowwwwly we must make our way back into the rat race. Not my favorite thing, to be totally honest, but there it is. Maybe one day I’ll have a nice little cabin somewhere and just not deal with people! **hugs to you, My Ladybug** 💜💙💚💛❤💖🌟

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      1. Yes… But once you have the nice cabin and do not deal with people and life begins to smile, time runs quickly out, and soon the bell rings. – I mean…, well, I am obsessed with that bit from Macbeth’s fifth act, fifth scene, about life as a “walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more… Etc.” – I doubt very much that anything more true than this has ever been written !
        I copy your hearts and bright star, since I do not know where I misplaced them 🙂 : 💜💙💚💛❤💖🌟 (I still feel thrills with each one of your “ladybug” !!! Thank you so much !!)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞 There you go, my Sweet. One for each day. I’ve been making some (quiet) wishes on such creatures, asking them for some direction. I do not know ‘The Scottish Play’ that well, only “To sleep, perchance to dream…” Maybe that’s how I’ll hide away from homework!
        Honestly, I don’t worry about my time walking or waking upon this promontory. I’ll do my best, and if my best can’t do, well, *shrug*.
        Love you, Darling. Be careful. 🌟💖❤💛💚💙💜

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  2. Oh am I hearing you on the freedom of having the house to yourself! Not only is my partner here all the time but his son is here 3 weeks at a time instead of the 4 days a fortnight he normally comes. On top of that homeschooling for a 12 year old 😩.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh good grief! I’m glad there are no kids in here with us, they wouldn’t be learning a hell of a lot about much besides face palms and banging your head into the desk. Umm, and maybe a few new ways to string bad words together. You’re a saint!

      Liked by 2 people

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